Words Do Hurt...Despite What You Might Think

I am a huge movie lover. My hometown theater is my go-to place. I am probably their most frequent customer. I try and go to the blockbusters there rather than any where else. I have hung out there for a solid 9 years now.

Anyways....I have a story to tell you. I know, I know. This is going to be a slightly different blog post than my usual.

I went to see a movie. It was a kids movie. Animated feature. Super cute! That pretty much sets the scene. Kids ranging from age 7 and younger. Everyone gets seated. The host explains the rules of the theater and then leaves. Some people arrived during previews. It is clear that they might not have heard the aforementioned announcement.

The movie begins. The whole thing was adorable. Singing and dancing and beautiful colors. Kids will be kids and they giggle and laugh with each scene. Sometimes it is really quiet in the movie and kids are still talking. I say Shh on occasion and it quiets down. The row behind me drops their nacho tray not once but twice. I say shh and the guy goes off on me and cusses me out with the f-bomb. Then calls me a fat ass. I am shaking in my seat. He told me to leave. So I did. I told an usher what happened and security was called down. The guy came out and acted all calm and tried to make me out to be the crazy one. I hate it when people do that. At this point I am shaking and we are going back and forth at an impasse as to who should be made to leave. Security offers me another showing but its getting late. I said I would leave. I should not have had to do that but I decided it was for the best. Some people just get everything they want and its wise just to not fight it sometimes.

I do not blame the movie theater for an experience like this. I blame the people that decide to be jerks. The theater handled the situation really well. Unfortunately I had to leave but I will certainly be back at a later date.

I will say this: I have not been hurt this badly since I was in high school. I normally let things slide off me like a duck in water but I will not stand for bullies of any age.

Melody out!

Hiatus

A hiatus does not mean I am giving up on anything. I just need a break. Everything in my life has suddenly caved in on me and I need time to process it all. One thing at a time and one day at a time

I am having horrible luck with guys so that is on the back burner and that's okay. I am not worried about it. Love will happen when it happens. All in God's timing and God's will. Even if it doesn't happen, I will be okay. There is always an adventure out there for me to take alone.

Work has cut my hours down to an unlivable wage. I am so discouraged by that whole situation. People keep lying about me and it really hurts. I work so hard and it doesn't matter. No one sees and no one believes that I can do my job. Why do people have to be so hateful and tear people down? Lately I talk to God during my patrols. Its comforting.

Its comforting to know that He hears His child crying out. He sees when no one else does. God sees everything. I have that tiny comfort. Some days I ask myself why I even try so hard at everything I do. My life is precious and obviously God put me here for a purpose. Over the years I learned exactly what that purpose looks like.

I am a servant. I always look for ways to help. Some days I feel like the dust under peoples feet. I have been this way for as long as I could remember. I am a servant that serves unconditionally without expecting anything in return. I never say, "oh someone else will take care of it." I don't like it when people develop that attitude. Sometimes nothing gets done if someone doesn't step up to do it.

Maybe things will get better. Who knows?

I just hope I find a job soon.

Melody out!

Depression and Relationships

When you have depression, everyday life is already pretty hard. Add in a romantic relationship and that can go one of two ways. Really good or really bad. In my case I have very bad luck with guys. All of that aside in a pile and I have a story that will hopefully help people to understand more of what is going on in their partners head. Lets start with the definition and the what my case is.

• Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Its not something you have control over and often you need medication for it and sometimes therapy or both.

In my specific case, I have Bipolar Type 2 or Bipolar Depression. This means I go into a depressed state from 2-3 days to an entire week sometimes. At times there is no reason at all for this it just happens. Sometimes there is a reason for it. I am currently not on any medication but I have found something over the counter that seems to help.

I hope this helps someone out there understand themselves or their partner.

Feel free to contact me if you need someone to understand.

Melody out!

About the Blogger

Hey!

My whole name is.................. 22 letters long. For purposes of anonymity I will use my Alias: Melody. I am a young, single, 20 something that needs a place to speak my mind. I think writing is the best way to do that. I also have a Youtube channel, play the flute, and I love animals of all kinds.

This blog will give you a unique look into my mind and my everyday frustration and joy.

This blog was started back in my college days. I have since removed all the posts from school and converted this into a personal blog. I just write whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I am in a deep mood and other times I feel like ranting about something. Sometimes it is something in between. Some of the posts are about Movies and Series that touched me in some way or I felt like talking about them.

Enjoy my blog! Comment and Follow if you want. There is no regularly scheduled posts yet.

Melody out!

How to Get Through the Holiday Blues: Alone on Every Holiday.

From the first time I started working for a large company of some kind, I have always had to sacrifice a lot around the holidays. I always longed for that ideal family togetherness but never seemed to feel it and may never truly get it.

The holidays are always so depressing to me. I have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season. This year is no different. Because of the post I work at, I will have to spend every single holiday alone in a little tiny guard shack with a couple space heaters for my company.That is not what I was expecting. This year I plan to take a different approach. I will put all my effort into making the best of the situation.

Here are a few tips to help you guys out.

• Get holiday themed decorations- I plan to put up lights in our window and I will get a small present for my supervisor. My little tree will be all dressed up and sitting on my windowsill in my room. 
• Get holiday themed foods- I plan to get a thanksgiving meal for Thanksgiving, Cookies for Hanukkah/ Christmas, and something sparkly for New Years. 
• Watch holiday themed movies- That will not be hard to rig up.
• Lastly text my SO and family- Even when I can't be there in person, I will still text my family on the day of the holiday. 

It might be depressing and I might be shedding tears about it at the moment, but I think I will make it through the holidays with just a little frostbite on my fingers.

Melody out!

Courageous: Father Character Breakdown

Adam- Alex Kendrick
Javier- Robert Amaya

Nathan- Ken Bevel

David -Ben Davies

Shane- Kevin Downes

That list up there is the Fathers from the Kendrick Brother's new film Courageous.
I want to talk about each one. I believe that each of them learned a new lesson in fatherhood. In turn each man taught me a lesson about being a woman and -- when the time comes-- being a mom.
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Adam:  He seemed to take everything for granted and was set in his ways to be a good- enough father. Through a series of events he is humbled and literally bought to his knees before God. When he loses his beloved daughter, he is suddenly struck by a mix of emotions: Deep sadness that he will miss her milestones and regret that he did not dance with her the last time he saw her before she passed away. It was a tragic accident, but Adam learned that not all hope is lost and that he still a father to his son. He loved his little girl so much. He would always miss her. However he learned how to be a really good father by learning to lean on his faith and teach his son to do so too.

Adams story has taught me that to barely scrape by and in so doing, take everything for granted, is not a good idea. Adam learned that and so did I. Recently my phone was broken when trying to change out the screen. I was in hysterics for literally 24 hours. The following day I cried most of the morning. Then I went to work to pass down the information to my manager and found myself humbled before God in the Chapel of the church where I work. It was in that moment that I realized just how connected I was to my phone and how much it was controlling my life. I never saw it that way until this happened. I ended up spending $200 hard earned dollars to buy myself a new phone. I still haven't set up all my logins and I will probably take my time in doing so. To me it is now really important to have my phone for safety and to be in contact with important people.

Javier: Javier lives with his wife and two kids. One day Javier loses his job and is laid off. He is so discouraged and when he comes home his wife asks why he is home early. He tells her what happened. Naturally they were both upset but his wife said something that shook my faith. She said, we will find a way. She even offered to let him take the car so he can look for work. He said, How can I take the car and let my family walk. He couldn't do that. Their pure love and strong faith is what is going to get them through this current crisis. This is where Adam comes in. Javier is standing in the middle of the street, humbled before God in prayer when suddenly he hears a voice calling him by name. This is what sprouts a friendship between the two men. As the saying goes, the proof is in the pudding, Javier showed that he is a good worker. Adam happen to know a factory manager that needed a textile worker. Once again Javier has work but the manager decides to test him. Lie on a shipping report and get promoted. Javier knew what was at stake and decided to be honest. He ended up getting the promotion because of his faithfulness to God and his moral integrity.

I think we all know how Javier feels. We have all been there at some point in our lives. I have been through many jobs and I know what its like to have a very small salary. I am often discouraged by this because at the age of 28 I still have not moved out of my parents house. It is financially impossible. One thing after another tests my faith. I just keep praying. I was supposed to figure out my living arrangements this year but I got in a car accident just 7 days into the new year. I was in shambles. I had no job and no health insurance. My temp job just ended and I was so discouraged. I felt just like Javier. Well about a month later I got a job as a security guard. It paid better than my other jobs and I enjoy that kind of work. 7 months later I am paying my mother rent for my room in the house, and I am paying for my new car. I have come a long way.  Things are still rough at work but I am worshiping while I wait for whatever is going to happen. This year has been the year of patience.

Nathan: Nathan is a the new guy on the police force. He is a real family man with a wife and three kids. He has a baby son, a middle son and a daughter named Jade. She is 13 and getting to the age where she likes boys. Her parents do not allow her to date until she is 17. As her father Nathan knows what he needs to do. The young man that is interested in Jade is clearly bad news and we later find out was in a gang for a time. In the meantime Nathan takes Jade to a nice restaurant and explains her worth. He explains that he wants the change to give her away when she wants to get married and that above all she should respect her self. He gives her a promise ring and she happily accepts that her father is showing her what a true gentleman looks like and that she should wait until marriage as a sign that she respects herself.

Nathans story is one that I wish I had. I wish my father was the kind of man to make sure that I respect myself. I wish he was the kind of father that would show his daughter how a man should treat her. Since he never did those things I had to discover my worth on my own. This is really hard to do. For many years I dated guy after guy. I learned what I like and don't like. An elder at my congregation has stepped up and taught me how I should be treated. He is a little older than my father but is filling in a gap that was missing for much of my young adult life. The elder never gave me a promise ring but he does tell me how proud he is of me as a young lady and how far I have come over the years. That means more than he will ever understand. I am in a serious courtship right now and I know that I value myself now more than I ever have. The guy I am dating is so respectful of me and has faith that will help build this relationship like no other boyfriend I have ever had. Maybe I am jumping a gun but that is how I currently feel.

David: David's story is so common in todays society. Do some stupid things in college and get a girl pregnant. David did all that. He even asked his girlfriend to get an abortion which she refused. For many years after that David refused to even acknowledge that he is a father to a little girl named Olivia. Even though he is not in a relationship with her mom anymore, David quickly understands that as a Father he needs to be there for his kid. Along with a financial contribution, David made a commitment to his daughter.

My best friend just went through all this a few years ago. Long story short, the father of her child never did what David did. She was left to raise her baby girl on her own. No one should have to do that and I am pretty sure that her daughters father will never step up. I have stepped up as her best friend through all of this and I plan to teach her daughter by example.

Lastly...Shane
Shane:Shane's story really saddened me. Shane has a son from a previous marriage and currently works for child support and gets to see his son every other weekend. During the course of the movie Shane is a police officer and seems to do really well when on the chase. He and his partners have caught many criminals and busted them with drugs. The evidence department often came up short for the amount of drugs that were deposited. Adam eventually catches on and decides to trap Shane in the lie that he was weaving. Shane may have been a good father but he really messed up. This situation was bad enough to land him in prison for a very long time. From behind plate glass, he begged Adam to to be a father figure to his son. Adam agreed.

I cannot fathom what that situation was like for all of Shane's family. I had a friend that was so addicted to drugs that he did not speak to his family for a very long time. I wrote him letters when he was in rehab. I tried to befriend him. All to no avail but his family never stopped praying for him. I could see that his parents were heartbroken but they released him to God. That was all that could be done.



That was my summary of Courageous. The story is amazing and it weaves together well. This is very similar to how God weaves our circumstances together for the greater good, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer. Ultimately I lean on a verse in the bible. Jeremiah 29:11-13

Melody out!

10 Second Rant

People need to learn the concept of personal space.

People are always standing right next to me wherever I go. Its like I am trying to pay and I don't need you seeing my pin number or anything. Take a step back.

I get really uncomfortable to the point of panic attack when someone does that to me. I politely ask them to move and they don't. I get really upset and sometimes drop my entire basket and leave.

This also happens when the beginning of the line is 3 feet behind the register area. People like to stand right next to me.

Okay I feel a little better now.

-Melody

Dating and the Online World

Online you can be anything you want to be. You can be an Opera singer in the Entertainment Industry or a Famous Youtuber. Sometimes we stretch the truth to make ourselves look more amazing than we are. This is not something you want to do on purpose.

I strive for truthfulness and honesty. I do not want to make myself into something I am not. I have been on this unnamed dating site for a little over 2 years and I run into this problem more times than you can count. I personally write things that are completely true but when I read them I can see how any of those statements can be over analyzed. I do list that I play music and do Youtube but I quickly clarify that those are hobbies and that I do have a job and a car and take care of myself for the most part.

I saw a guy once that wrote that he wanted to be a professional musician or a scientist of some kind. I start talking to them and quickly figure out that this is a goal of theirs and they have not achieved it yet. One such case involved a guy that wrote that he wanted to be a professional Opera singer. He was also legally blind (partially sighted). Great, I thought, I could get my very own Andrea Botticelli. I went on 2 dates with him and I was sorely disappointed when he was not a professional level singer and also put on his Facebook that he was in the Entertainment Industry. That was not entirely true. I was also caught by surprise when he told me his family covers all his expenses while he peruses his dreams. This to me was a huge red flag.

Bottom line, I am not willing to carry a grown man on my financial shoulders, nor would I ever feel comfortable living on someone else's family money. I decided to interview a couple that included a sighted woman and a blind man. I asked them about my situation and how they made it work. It turns out the man was completely blind and he used the Center for the Visually Impaired and has a job and a way to support his wife. It was possible to have a relationship with a blind person as long as they pulled their weight and it was completely possible for someone with any level of impairment to do that. However the couple made me painfully aware that it is very likely that this Opera singer would likely stay in his financial arrangement forever. I asked Opera singer about this and he said he was not happy with his arrangement. But I knew deep inside that he was just telling me something to make me stay. A hope that he would change. I know better than that.

I would say that I am far from perfect but I have my life together in a manner of speaking. I do still live with my family but for a couple of specific reasons. I just got out of college not long ago and my mother is the only bread winner in the family and she needs my help. I pay my mother rent each month. On top of that I pay for my credit card and car payments and put away money in my savings account. I would say I am doing the best I can in the situation I am in right now. I have a full-time job right now. I have IBS but I still function each day. My parents do not give me money. They have taught me that I have to get on my feet and do what it takes to survive.

Anyways I am going to pay some bills and go have some fun.
Melody out!

Manipulation: A story

I have just faced manipulation for the first time in my life. Most of the time I only heard about it happening to other people. Thankfully I am strong enough that it does not effect me. I stand by what I believe is right. Let me tell you a story that might help someone in a similar situation. No names shall be used here.

Let me start from the beginning. I am on a dating site. I know what you are thinking. This is a breeding ground for those kinds of people. Well I put in place a strict screening process. Most of the time I block guys that are completely not a match at all. Abs and indecent exposure runs rampant but I made the filters screen out those guys too. Sadly a manipulator got through my screening process. I did go to meet him.

I met up with him at a board game convention (this detail is very important). It was really nice to finally re-connect with my old friends from the board gaming community. The fact that I had a date with one was really awesome. I had a great time. The first thing that really annoyed me was that he used sarcasm in every sentence. He embarrassed me in front of my friends by calling attention to my flaws. I laughed it off as best I could. At that point I was debating about coming back the next night after work.

The next night there were more events at the convention so I asked him if he wanted me to come back. He texted me, "Sure I guess" Then proceeded to ask me if we were going to start dating. (I have only been out with him once! Whats the rush?). I explained that I did not want to lead him on at all but I did not want to rush into anything and I would just rather be friends. I had my reasons for not wanting to date him. That was my choice, not to be taken personally. Well he was naturally very frustrated that I had said I would not date him because he is not a believer, among other things.

Later that night we talked until 3am. We went over a ton of topics. I came to figure out that we disagree on just about everything else including religion and politics. I told him that even if I were to put religion aside, we do not have anything else in common, except board games. I ended the conversation because it was late and my dad was really worried for my safety. He walked me to my car. He tried to hug me multiple times and I kept pushing away. He hugged me again and then kissed me. It was late and I was tired but I knew this felt very wrong. He texted me the next day. I said the kiss was awkward and my answer was no. I will not date him. He replied. "It was awkward because you did not kiss me back"

A few days pass and he texted me just to say hi and then I did not hear from him for weeks.

Last night I got some texts from him. He asked how I was. Then he asked if I had any luck on the dating site. I said I did not want to talk about it. He said, "About what?" It was obvious what I was referring to but I elaborated saying that I had messaged a few guys that were excellent matches but no meet ups yet. We talked about a few board games we learned and then suddenly he said this. "I don't know why I even texted you. You used me. " I asked how and he said that I used him to meet up with other gamers. I said I already knew those people and that he should leave me alone. He said, "I'm trying"

During this whole time he would use phases like, "You don't even like me so why are you talking to me." To me this was my red flag. At first everything seems great and fun. But then paranoia sets in. Manipulation is so hard to spot sometimes. With the above phrase he could make some girl feel bad for rejecting him and start dating him but then dump him. Sometimes I am afraid that if I go to the next board game convention that he might try to hurt me. I have a contingency plan for that when the time comes.

I do not want someone to hurt me because they got rejected. I think I escaped this just in time. I plan to block his number from contacting me. I should not have to live in fear because I rejected someone.

My philosophy is that if you get knocked down, you get back up again and move on to something else. Something better.

Fluteplayer777 out!

Cyberbullying: Please stop!

I keep going through this type of thing. I am not sure what can be done. I have tried to take my own advice from my previous post about this. Blocking is the only solution. Most of my so-called friends do not stand up for others in their own comment sections on the things that they post. Its sad. This should be a first defence.

I have been told that I am flat out wrong and I got all offended and now am playing the victim. Its not true. I also asked him to stop 3 times. When someone won't stop attacking you then you know this is a cyber bully. The fastest way to make it stop is to hit that report and block button.

My friend may never do anything about it but I took a stand and blocked the bully.

There is a huge difference between hurt and offense!!!

This kind of thing will never happen on my comment sections. I do not allow people to get hurt on my threads and social media pages. Its not ok. If it happens send me a message and I will take a stand.

Lets all take a stand on our own social media pages and take a moment to stop a cyberbully from hurting someone.

Fluteplayer777 out!

I'm Back!!!

Lately I have been observing myself from another perspective.

Sometimes I am silly and goofy but other times I impress myself a little. I really have matured over the years. This is not a post about me. Trust me I am not a narcissist, but I just thought this would get you readers to think a bit. I have an interesting habit of challenging people to think. Sometimes it works; sometimes it blows up in my face. I think its a good thing.

It the last month 4 people have come to me and asked for my forgiveness for something that happened in the past. I am not one to hold a grudge but this struck me. I realized that with time passing I almost forgot what these people did to me. I have matured enough as a person to let things go. I was never really able to do that back when I was in school.

I used to get upset a lot too. When I lost a game or when plans changed all the sudden. I still get frustrated but I have learned to be more flexible. What was it that the Karate sensai say? Bend like grass with the wind. Flow like a river bending around every mountain. I found that life is more enjoyable when I am not so frustrated about things out of my control.

I promise, you guys, that I will be writing more posts very soon. I have just been busy being an adult and growing up. Its a shame my parents have not noticed a thing or they are just having trouble letting go of their only baby.

Fluteplayer777 out!

Youtubers are People too...

Recently a few Youtubers responded to my comments on their videos. Most responses were very nice. But a couple of times I was really embarrassed.

One of my favorite Youtubers is Jacksepticeye. He has an awesome game commentary style and is overall a really cool video personality. I really enjoy his videos. Sometimes he answers comments. While this is really great, it can be very hard to respond to comments in a respectful way. Of course no one is perfect. He has responded twice and both times I was embarrassed of what I wrote. He is definitely someone we all look up to. Shame is my immediate reaction to that comment response.

Here's the thing. Many people including myself comment before a video is over or wander into the comments section. I am guilty of that. Sometimes I am sitting there screaming at my screen and then a comment would be written without even thinking about it. I never mean to be annoying or obvious. Maybe I am over thinking it but I am very glad that he and others still respond to comments. I guess I will watch what I say.

In addition to this I got a response from PatrckStatic. He is uber cool. I also got a 1+ on a comment from a famous makeup artist.

As my rant comes to a close, I just want to say this: People will comment. Please be mindful of what you say when you respond. I certainly will be mindful of both my comments and my responses. Most of all, be as respectful as you can.

Fluteplayer777 out!

No One Will See This

A combination of things can break someone. Over the last 4 weeks I have been humbled again and again. Here is the Evidence:

-1 I was laid off a temp job.
+1 I met a really nice guy.
-1 Then the first week of the year I got in a car accident which totaled my car.
+1 I came out alive.
-1 Said guy only wanted to be friends
-2 Two of my closest friends are moving away.
-1 I can't find a job.

That brings the grand total to -4.

I am in a really dark place. What I don't understand is why everything I touch falls apart. The excuse could be bad timing but I think its more than that. In my pride I thought I could handle it but now I don't have anything at all.

+1 I have a roof over my head.
+1 I am healthy
+2 I have a room and a bed to sleep in.

This brings the grand total back to 0. Equilibrium.

I have splayed the evidence scientifically with +1 or -1 for good and bad things. My observations tell me that life has a way of balancing out. There always seems to be enough positive to balance out the negative. As Malcolm said in Jurassic Park, "Life finds a way"

One thing I have learned is to always have a plan B. Here goes more evidence.  Even though I do not have someone to join me now, I still plan on going for a couple hikes this summer. I honestly don't care that I will be alone. Even though I don't have a car, I still plan on taking walks and getting out for some fresh air. I honestly don't care that I will be alone. Just because I am alone, that doesn't mean I am lonely. :)

I may be in a perpetual valley, but I always seem to pick myself back up and keep going.

Fluteplayer777 out!

I love Lucy...my car!

Friday January 9^th I was in a car accident that took my most valuable possession: my car, Lucy. With that my whole world crumbled around me. I have nothing left but my faith and my health. Of course I still have a place to sleep and a roof over my head. I am grateful for that too.

Today I am hurting all over. Today I am humbled. With everything gone I am forced to start from square one. It’s like I am back in time. Back when I was kicked out of Lab school. I was so sure that I was meant to be there. For the next three months I was lost. I had no clue what was next. Then I picked myself back up and went back to school. I think I can do the same here.

It’s interesting. I had my car and a job but no boyfriend and now it’s the opposite. No car, no job but I am sort of seeing someone. I have no clue what God is doing but I think it will be better when this all balances out. That is all I want: stability and certainty.

So I took a walk.  I went down to the giant parking lot where I learned how to drive. Naturally I broke down. Then I went into the church where they held the Baccalaureate service for my high school graduation. I sat there for about 10 minutes. Praying and reflecting. I came to the realization that maybe God doesn’t think I can balance it all right now. I guess He had to humble me and break me to make me understand that. He wants me happy but balanced on His terms.

This is just my thoughts on all this. I will be recording a video for this week.

Fluteplayer777 out! -Melody