Mental Health and my Money War

A few years ago, while I was still in college, I was having major issues in all aspects of my life. I convinced my mom that I needed help and I needed medication. I tried that for about 2 years but I never had a therapist. The medication worked but I was always in a fog. It was not antidepressants but rather mood stabilizers. Toward the end of this treatment, Obamacare kicked in and I turned 26 all at once. I lost insurance coverage and ended up losing the medication too. It all boiled down to money. I also had a rough couple months after that. I did manage to graduate college with flying colors,

A few years later I got married and got insurance and decided to get help again. It was a disaster but this time it shook me to the core.

I found a local therapist through a friend of mine. I thought it would be great to just talk to someone. After my last round of getting help I vowed to never return to any kind of medication at all. I have no trouble talking about my problems. Even with complete strangers. I just need to work things out sometimes. 

Anyways, I only visited this office one and a half times. The first visit was part one of an assessment of my mental condition and she suggested a book on People Pleasing Syndrome (I am wiling to accept this explanation for some of my problems ). The second time I didn't get a full session. I was informed that my insurance won't cover the therapist even though they said they accept our insurance. I called my insurance and found out they were out of network. That was my first battle. 

Next I had to figure out what I owed the therapists office. I got a bill in the mail for $155(I don't remember the exact amount). I had to submit my pay stubs from the month I visited to prove I only had one paycheck that month and have them put me on a sliding scale. I ended up paying $5. But still this whole situation troubled me. What would have happened if my income was too high for the sliding scale? How would I afford treatment then? The answer is I would owe the full amount and drop out of treatment which could have ill effects on my mental state. Some how I came out ok.

Every time someone is struggling, their friends and family say, "get some help" or "go talk to someone". It is apparent that its not that simple. My husband even says he can't begin to understand what I am going through. He has never had the issues I have. His situation is irrelevant to the story. He's right and that's OK. He loves me and that is all that matters. My issues are mine to deal with and it helps that he will hug me until the pain goes away. Sometimes it comes back but I have learned some self soothing to make it easier to bare everything and to keep pressing on. I have a reason to stick around. Even though he says he doesn't need my help for much of anything, I still need to do something or I feel inadequate.

On a positive note, I was able to download a copy of the book she suggested and began studying it and figuring myself out. Yes I aim to please and it makes me feel amazing to be able to help someone. This is why my job at the grocery store is so important to my mental health. Most of my customers are so sweet and I will miss them. Staying home for two months drove me crazy. I cleaned the house for the millionth time. It made me feel very very bad. A job helps keep you sane sometimes. 

Melody out!

Happy New Year!!! С Новым Годом!!

Happy New Year everyone!

С Новым Годом to all my Russian friends!

2017 is over! A new year often means a new beginning!  Well the number 8 in Hebrew numerology means just that. I'm hoping that this year will be a new start for me.

Currently I am jobless for the first time in two years. The last time this happened it was the beginning of 2016 and I had just totalled my car and needed to find a job and fast. So I took a job as a security guard. Fast forward to 2017 Exactly one year to the day I started as a security guard, I quit and went to work for a large financial corporation. I absolutely loved it. Sadly it was not to last. 9 months later, September 1st I got a call that they were letting me go. I was in a state of shock. For two weeks I did not have a job so my moms friend referred me to someone (they will remain nameless). I worked for that person for 3 months and quit because, long story short, I could not please him. So I remained jobless for the next month.

This past month I realized that I needed a break from all the craziness in my life. I spend time with my family and we even got a new kitten for Christmas. His name is Rico. So as you can probably guess, I have had my hands full. I forgot how destructive cats can be. Anyways, all of that aside, I am going a little crazy. Call it cabin fever or whatever, but I need to find a job and quick. I hate sitting around. Unproductivity is what truly makes me unhappy. Another thing I figured out is that I keep letting what people say get to me. This is so unhealthy. In 2018 I resolve to stop that. I need to be like a duck in water. let the water roll off me (maybe my new meditation should be called "be one with the duck").

So, I just found out that the party I was supposed to go to got cancelled due to house system failures. So I felt really bad for a few hours and then learned about what happened to the house and immediately understood that it's not about me. I have a really bad habit of jumping to conclusion that someone does not like me or is mad at me and therefore does not want me around. This is simply not true. Another thing I need to work on in 2018.

New Years Eve morning I went to church. I was late but I made it just in time. I had to sit in the back. My friends were not there so I left right after to go home and set up for my lifestream. This is the first time I have ever tried something like this. The internet disconnected 3 times. Turns out that my network adapter was connected to the power settings. so it would be put to sleep every hour. I just fixed that this morning just before I sat down to write this post. Over-all it was an interesting experience. I learned a lot about OBS settings and how to make sure my microphone does not echo. I ended up chucking my microphone and just using the microphone in my laptop. I also connected my second monitor. The next thing I need to sit down and learn is GIMP. I need to make thumbnails for my videos. Another thing I need to do in 2018.

After the stream, I settled down in the basement and set the table and had myself a peaceful New Years party at home. It was pretty awesome. This is what I needed. After the new year struck I plugged in a movie and laid back with some tea and sweets. This time last year I spend New Years in a cold drafty guard house at a Coca Cola Plant. The bright side to all of this situation is that I was not on the roads where there could have been a bunch of drunk drivers and I did not have to spend a drop of gas to go to my party.

Every storm cloud has a silver lining and the sunshine after a storm makes a rainbow.

Happy New Year,

Melody

Am I Really Making the Right Choices? Part 1

Many times throughout the day I ask myself. "Are you really making the right choices in your life?" While second guessing myself is both harmful and beneficial, I think it helps to be confident in my choices. Often the world says something is acceptable but I am over here thinking, "Would God approve?"or "Is that what I really believe inside?"

The first thing I have had on my mind a lot has been my romantic relationships. Should I date or should I try courtship? Or maybe a mixture of both. Start out casually dating while in a group of friends and then get more serious and start courting someone. Truthfully courtship scares me. I have had bad experiences with both types of relationship but if the right person comes along I am willing to give it a chance.

The second thing that I have on my mind a lot is my choice to remain abstinent until marriage. The world definitely has a strong opinion on this topic. I know plenty of people that have no problem sleeping with someone if it "feels right". I also know people on the opposite end of this topic that believe I am doing the right thing and that someone will be forced to fall in love with me for who I am and not what my body can do for them. That sounds great but I can tell you that I have had a ton of guys tell me they can't date me because I won't sleep with them. It is depressing when I remember those guys but hey it's their loss. 

The third thing, that goes along with the second thing, is marriage versus living together. I believe both have different meaning. When married, laws apply to you and your spouse and leaving is not that easy because of alimony and child support and all that. This includes joint bank accounts and joint taxes(if you live in the US). My personal belief is that divorce is only allowed if there was abuse, verbal or physical, or if there was cheating.  Both are severely destructive and hurtful. Living together is a completely different arrangement. You can easily leave and laws do not bind you at all. I feel like it is a way to get what you both want without tying yourself together by law. You can still have separate lives away from each other. Separate bank accounts and even separate bedrooms although you might still sleep in one room on occasion. I do not know the details of this lifestyle but it seems a little distant to me.  Marriage is about uniting as one. Living together is still two people living under one roof. 

Those three things were pertaining to relationships.  There are a few more things that come to mind but I will cover those in another post. 

--Melody

Depression and Relationships

When you have depression, everyday life is already pretty hard. Add in a romantic relationship and that can go one of two ways. Really good or really bad. In my case I have very bad luck with guys. All of that aside in a pile and I have a story that will hopefully help people to understand more of what is going on in their partners head. Lets start with the definition and the what my case is.

• Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Its not something you have control over and often you need medication for it and sometimes therapy or both.

In my specific case, I have Bipolar Type 2 or Bipolar Depression. This means I go into a depressed state from 2-3 days to an entire week sometimes. At times there is no reason at all for this it just happens. Sometimes there is a reason for it. I am currently not on any medication but I have found something over the counter that seems to help.

I hope this helps someone out there understand themselves or their partner.

Feel free to contact me if you need someone to understand.

Melody out!

Cyberbullying: Please stop!

I keep going through this type of thing. I am not sure what can be done. I have tried to take my own advice from my previous post about this. Blocking is the only solution. Most of my so-called friends do not stand up for others in their own comment sections on the things that they post. Its sad. This should be a first defence.

I have been told that I am flat out wrong and I got all offended and now am playing the victim. Its not true. I also asked him to stop 3 times. When someone won't stop attacking you then you know this is a cyber bully. The fastest way to make it stop is to hit that report and block button.

My friend may never do anything about it but I took a stand and blocked the bully.

There is a huge difference between hurt and offense!!!

This kind of thing will never happen on my comment sections. I do not allow people to get hurt on my threads and social media pages. Its not ok. If it happens send me a message and I will take a stand.

Lets all take a stand on our own social media pages and take a moment to stop a cyberbully from hurting someone.

Fluteplayer777 out!

No One Will See This

A combination of things can break someone. Over the last 4 weeks I have been humbled again and again. Here is the Evidence:

-1 I was laid off a temp job.
+1 I met a really nice guy.
-1 Then the first week of the year I got in a car accident which totaled my car.
+1 I came out alive.
-1 Said guy only wanted to be friends
-2 Two of my closest friends are moving away.
-1 I can't find a job.

That brings the grand total to -4.

I am in a really dark place. What I don't understand is why everything I touch falls apart. The excuse could be bad timing but I think its more than that. In my pride I thought I could handle it but now I don't have anything at all.

+1 I have a roof over my head.
+1 I am healthy
+2 I have a room and a bed to sleep in.

This brings the grand total back to 0. Equilibrium.

I have splayed the evidence scientifically with +1 or -1 for good and bad things. My observations tell me that life has a way of balancing out. There always seems to be enough positive to balance out the negative. As Malcolm said in Jurassic Park, "Life finds a way"

One thing I have learned is to always have a plan B. Here goes more evidence.  Even though I do not have someone to join me now, I still plan on going for a couple hikes this summer. I honestly don't care that I will be alone. Even though I don't have a car, I still plan on taking walks and getting out for some fresh air. I honestly don't care that I will be alone. Just because I am alone, that doesn't mean I am lonely. :)

I may be in a perpetual valley, but I always seem to pick myself back up and keep going.

Fluteplayer777 out!

Depression and Social Media: My Thoughts

The main thing on my mind lately is social media!
Anxiety and depression are effected by this too.
I am on Blogger(Blogspot), Twitter, Instagram VK, Facebook, and Youtube, of course. It can be very hurtful at times and altogether overwhelming.
It starts with Anxiety.

"No one is responding, no one is watching, no one is reading,"

Those thoughts escalate quickly into depression.

"No one cares, no one likes you, you are wasting your time"

Then positivity tries to light the lantern of hope.

"You love playing music, writing and arranging. People have told you how talented you are"

Then depression takes its turn to speak.

"They are just being nice. what you do does not matter to anyone, why don't you quit." No! Never!

This is the thought process that a Youtuber, or any other social media user that has depression, face every day. The constant battle is exhausting. The external validation or lack there of, is what makes this cycle repeat itself.

Please, Have mercy on us and support the little people!

Oh! I got another subscriber!
Melody out!