Insomnia: Not the Videogame

Hey guys! Blog time.

For the second night in a row, I am up until nearly 2am. I have no idea why but this happens sometimes. Also I have not written a blog in a really long time.

So here goes. My mind is inundated with thoughts everyday. So much sits on my mind. Sometimes I bury it in the back of my mind.

I am hoping that my temp position will become permanent. I love my job. My friend texted me after my internal interview and said that I deserve certainty in my life. God, that is an understatement. My life has always been unstable and uncertain. Its upsetting sometimes but I would like to think that I have enough trust in God that everything will work out somehow. 

Another common topic floating in my mind is my music and Youtube. I just started a new project. I am going to learn 38 new pieces of music between now and next years audition in August. I am hoping that studying some French composers might help me develop more skill and control over my musical ability.

Have you ever heard of the story of the two farmers?

There was a drought in the land and both of them desperately needed rain. Both of them prayed for rain. But only one prepared his fields to receive it.

Which one trusted God more?
The one that prepared his fields.

God will bring the rain when He's ready. You must prepare your fields to receive it.

Fluteplayer777 out!

What inspires you?....

Lately people have been so nasty online. Downright hurtful. Its depressing. Even today it feels like there is nothing you can do to stop it sometimes. Other times I have had someone stand up and stick up for me and later tell me they were sorry that someone said something mean to me. That means the world to me. Unfortunately social media is full of these cyber bullies.

Here is how I deal with it. First I try to tell them to stop. If they won't then I tell the friend who's post it originally belonged to in order to get them to stick up for me. Sometimes this blows up in my face and that "friend" tells me that it was my fault that the bully reacted the way that they did. Well when this happens I simply block the bully and unfollow the friend. This way I still have a friend but I don't have to see their posts all the time and therefore I wouldn't be tempted to comment on it. This method generally works on most forms of social media. On Youtube this works a little differently.

On Youtube it is much harder to report a bully. I personally have made all my video comments by approval only. I am still a small channel and I can easily monitor what people say and I will not approve something hurtful. I let a couple comments slip once and it ended badly but I removed it and its gone. That's another thing. You can delete posts on your profiles. They don't have to be there if you don't want them to be. Basically you don't have to let someone have the power to hurt you. If they post again Block them.

I understand its not that simple but in some way it is.

What inspires me is what Eleanor Roosevelt said,"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." She is so right! What she means is that if you do not give someone the power to hurt you then you won't feel hurt by them. Emotional pain is very real and it can do some serious damage to someone that has been constantly barraged by hurtful comments.

So here's the plan that I am using to inspire you and anyone else on the internet. If you see someone being cyber bullied, stand up for them and tell the bully that what they are doing is not necessary and that they pushed it too far. Make them think about what they did and realize that they would not want to be treated the same way.

Just some thoughts after I re-watched Cyberbully.

Comment if you want.

Fluteplayer777 out!

Back to the Beginning: A Reflection

I remember a time when one of my biggest fears was becoming an Adult.

I have always had one fear or another. A constant one is the fear of heights. Other fears change as I get older.

Well today after work I took myself back to that time. I stopped by one of the parking lots where I learned how to drive. I remember my fears and thoughts during that time. 9 years ago I faced the fear of becoming an adult along with the hope that once I got my licence I would become a little more independent. At the time I was still in college and just beginning that journey. The next January I got my Youtube channel.

I sat in my car this evening and cried. Then I got a sudden revelation. Look how far I have come since then!

I graduated University with a Bachelors Degree- Magna Cum Laude.
I paid off the car I am sitting in.
My Youtube channel is coming along.
My music has progressed beautifully.

On top of all this I have grown as a person and my faith is stronger than ever.

During this dry spell filled with darkness and depression I found a little light that reminded me that no matter what anyone else may say, I have changed and for the better.

It is so important to go back to the beginning in your memories. This provides a different point of view of your life from a past self perspective. The Kat that was 18 would be so proud of the Kat that I am now. She would also maybe want to do things differently. I would not change the past even if I could. Those battles made me stronger and left some scars to remember. I hope this revelation helps someone out there struggling with depression.

Fluteplayer777 out!

Depression and Social Media: My Thoughts

The main thing on my mind lately is social media!
Anxiety and depression are effected by this too.
I am on Blogger(Blogspot), Twitter, Instagram VK, Facebook, and Youtube, of course. It can be very hurtful at times and altogether overwhelming.
It starts with Anxiety.

"No one is responding, no one is watching, no one is reading,"

Those thoughts escalate quickly into depression.

"No one cares, no one likes you, you are wasting your time"

Then positivity tries to light the lantern of hope.

"You love playing music, writing and arranging. People have told you how talented you are"

Then depression takes its turn to speak.

"They are just being nice. what you do does not matter to anyone, why don't you quit." No! Never!

This is the thought process that a Youtuber, or any other social media user that has depression, face every day. The constant battle is exhausting. The external validation or lack there of, is what makes this cycle repeat itself.

Please, Have mercy on us and support the little people!

Oh! I got another subscriber!
Melody out!

Family Dinners: A Different Perspective

Ever since I could remember we always sat down to have dinner together.

I feel like the atmosphere and conversation changes as we get older.

When I was little I don't remember much of any conversation. Mostly because my dad worked the night shift and I didn't see him much. Don't get me wrong I still love him very much but as a kid I understood that he is a grownup and he had to work just like mom did.

I do remember and we have home video somewhere of us sitting at the table in the old house. I feel like everything was lighter and more fun back then. As I got older this began to change. Our conversations turned to more serious things and sometimes hurtful things. I hate to be stressed when I am eating.

As I came into adulthood I slowly began distancing myself from my family for that very reason. I now hate eating with my family because there is always screaming or telling me what to do and how to do it. From poking at me to tell me how to hold my fork to telling me that I should have cleaned the house last week. I work full-time right now. I have two days off and that is the weekend. I think I would go crazy if I did not leave this house for a day out by myself. I eat alone to eat in peace with myself and my thoughts. I eat alone to avoid feeling like a failure, feeling worthless and making sure that the company I keep is a choice and not a necessity.

Family dinners used to mean so much. I used to watch other families have dinner and talk about their day and wish, no, pray that this could be me someday with my family in the future.

On occasion I have dinner with a friend and I feel that warmth I so long for. He calls me grand-daughter even though I am not his blood. A meal is supposed to bring people together, not tear them apart. I feel like this is the case in the world today. In the US specifically I feel that no one really sits down together anymore and families become broken.

My biggest goal in life is to have family meetings and family game nights. This way I can develop a relationship with each member of my family so they never have to feel the way I feel right now. I am missing the piece of my heart that feels warm when I remember my family.

Ok I had to get those thoughts out of my head. See you guys in the next post. A new video is also up this morning.

Fluteplayer777 out!

LIKE A BOSS!: Why I wear a bracelet with those words on it and a pink mustache...

I don't wear much jewelry on my wrists because I am always on the computer. 
One day I bought a bracelet that glows in the dark and says LIKE A BOSS on it in white letters. 

A few months later I found a Youtuber called Jacksepticeye. His style of commentary grew on me over the last couple of months. When I first found him,  he was in a growing stage and hadn't quite found himself. Now he is amazing and about to reach 7 Million subscribers. Numbers are not everything but that is really exciting. Almost as exciting as 50 subs would be for a channel as small as mine.

Allow me to explain the pink mustache. As you probably guessed it is the symbol used to identify Wilford Warfstache which is the alter ego of Markiplier. I found Mark way before I found Jack. I love them both.

I never take this bracelet off. It reminds me of what these guys stand for and that I should keep being strong. Things get me down sometimes and I see the bracelet and smile. When I come home it glows in the garage to help me find my way and I feel comforted. Most of all these guys made me laugh when I was too hurt to bother and they themselves were hurting but worked through the pain to keep doing awesome stuff. 

If you like these blog posts hit the Follow button.... LIKE A BOSS! and I will see you in the next video!!! Byebye!

Fluteplayer777 out!

My Thoughts at the Present Time

Everyday I think.
I am human. We all think.
I often it and people watch. I sit and wonder, "What is he thinking about? What does she have on her mind? Is she thinking about her kids or her ailing father?"

The fact remains, someone somewhere is thinking of you. This brings me to a poem I found years ago.
Somewhere there's someone that dreams of your smile,
and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile.
So when you are lonely, remember its true.
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.
-Unknown

I get lonely and depressed sometimes. For some people this can be a deadly combination. For me the feeling does pass eventually. I think everyone gets lonely but other times it is true depression that darkens their world. The above poem reminds me that I have multiple lights in the darkness. God, Friends, Family, synagogue, and other people that I was a light to at one point or another. I have a reason to press on. Be Strong. Giving up is a cowards choice and I refuse to let the credits roll early (Ryan Magee said that in his last Cyndago Vlog. )

Fluteplayer777 out!

Can't Sleep....Music on the Mind....

I am thinking about doing some of my own arrangements on the channel.

I have three more pieces nearing completion. I will still be doing the Concert Series. In addition to all of this I got an idea I have not seen before.
I plan to do a blooper reel with a clapper board that says KLUTZ on it. So fitting. More on that another time.
In the next couple of days I plan to update my Blog with 4 new Blog posts that I wrote down but did not have time to type up.

In other news  I added a Donate link to my Youtube channel for all that want to support my efforts.

Much much later down the line I would love to do a charity live stream to bring music back to schools.

I will look into that but for now I bloom where I am planted so to speak.

Fluteplayer777 out!

New Idea!

Lately I have been getting some feedback from people about my channel.

One such comment was that I am not entertaining. I wanted to elaborate on that and share my thoughts about that comment. It was commented by one of my closest friends. It sort of hurt but then I got to thinking about it and I realized something.

Youtube is not my first priority. 

I have so much going on right now. I work full time. I am working on a few arrangement projects. I am busy with my synagogue. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. My birthday is coming up. Let's face it, I am one busy lady. 

I still plan to stick with Youtube but I need to do things differently and learn how to edit my videos. I am going to try out Filmora and see how that works. I plan to add a blooper reel with a clapper board to make it fun. I am still doing the concert series but with less talking. I plan to prepare more videos ahead of time. I also have like 6-10 videos waiting to be uploaded. 

I know there is a lot to work on and improve on but it all happens very slowly. I appreciate how much time it takes to do Youtube. I did not understand just how much work goes into this. Now that I understand I need to plan accordingly. Once the holidays are over I should have a better schedule of things. For right now one video a week is as good as I can do and this should be good enough. 

As far as my friends comment is concerned, I don't really care. My channel will evolve as time goes on and I will become a better musician in the process. In the end I do Youtube and music for me. I do it for my sanity. It is my anti-depressant. If I can share my gift with just one person then I have achieved my basic goal.

If anyone has any ideas or comments please feel free to try to reach out to me. Constructive criticism is always welcome but bashing and bullying is not allowed on any of my social media pages/profiles/channel.

Fluteplayer777 out!

New Setup and other news.

I have a new bed in my room so my desk was downsized. I am loving my new room. However this will require some adjusting to make room for recording.

I am working on 5 other pieces so I won't be recording much. I still should post my older videos.

Here is the most recent.

https://youtu.be/xHuH7jnyek0

Enjoy and I will see you guys soon.

Youtube.com/Fluteplayer777 Share and Subscribe

Byebye

Degrassi Season 14 and my Reflections

So far things have gone as expected. It is still emotional to watch. The trailer for this season has said it all. Claire is my hero. She has been through so much and she has Eli to help her stay strong.

Over the last couple of weeks I have learned who my true friends are. Who my Eli's are. I have three awesome friends that are always on the line. I took that for granted for some weird reason. I have learned to stick to what makes me happy. I will always play music and serve at my synagogue. That is what makes me happy. No matter what is happening in my life those things have been my constants.

This blog will take a different turn. I plan to make this all about my Youtube Channel.

Thank you all for watching,

Fluteplayer777-Melody